The Murple’s Magic Hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever

from by A Halo Called Fred

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It’s the Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever
The Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever
It’ll start you out like that on the Best Christmas Ever
It’ll take you where you want to go
‘Cause the Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever
It’s a super magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever
But the story of how I got that hat
is one nobody knows

It all starts out on a cold and lonely Christmas
With a psychic distress call from Dimension 7B
From the planet Garinthium with the deadly crawling cacti
And the nicest purple jungles that you ever did see
The food is pretty good, but eat it before it eats you
A fight with a peach one time ripped off my left arm
I’m glad I was near the skin regenerating plant!
It’s awesome that they have it, ‘cause it helps to heal the harm
So we get this distress call, and get sucked through a portal
Seven dragons have the Murple held hostage in the sky
They wanna harvest his solid gold fur for all eternity
Which is very sad and cruel -- So therefore they must die!

But how to kill the dragons? We didn’t bring our swords!
Gotta go and find the Pleebles, with their magical teeth
They hate dragons. Their incisors like to grind them down to stone
They shoot them from their mouths, so they get buried underneath
It’s easy to convince them -- We extract our human love
and they turn it into liquid, and they drink it with no fuss
So loves saves the day - just don’t question how they mate there
It’s really, really ugly but they say the same of us
The epic battle’s starting - Bring it on PEW, PEW, PEW!
flying teeth are everywhere! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP!
And ROAR, that’s the dragon, and SLURP the liquid love
And OW MY EYE! The Dragon got it! Oh lord, make it stop!

(CHORUS, ending with is one hardly anybody knows)

Damn dragons and their dangerous mind melting acid
It’s only cured by berries that are way, way underground
We can liquify and melt ourselves, I think that’s easier
Sometimes you lose a foot but you can still be safe and sound
‘Cause I grabbed some extra feet from the foot tree. Got to feed
Those foot munching demons by the berries where they stand
LOOK OUT!!! INCOMING!!! Oooh no! I think they got me!
it's all going dark! I see you hold out your hand
But it won’t stay still! Now it swirls before my eyes
And now the dragon eating octopus comes, but he’ll be trapped
In the Pleeble tooth cross-fire! I can’t bear to watch!
Good thing I’m losing consciousness-- My life force almost sapped...

I can't tell my body parts apart anymore.
I try to close my eye, I can still see through the hole
where my eyelid forgot to uniquify itself
Oh the lights, oh the lights, oh they’re swirling in my soul
Now the octopus is taking out each dragon one by one
With its poison mind darts. They psychically emit
Waves to heal my broken body as each dragon is defeated
But it ain’t over yet! OH NO! WE’VE BEEN HIT!
Their fire makes me sing stupid ‘80s songs. Must fight it
The only way we can, with ironic cover versions
"Give me one moment in time..." OH NO! I can’t stop
but you can help me out by singing “Like a Surgeon!”

(CHORUS, ending with is one you’ll soon know)

For our next secret weapon we sing some Blondie covers
The dragons start crumbling, ‘cause Blondie never fails
Then poetry! Shel Silverstein and Shakespeare flyin’
The Man from Nantucket makes them crumble into scales
But the scales are so heavy, it’s crushing our portal
There’s no way out! Here we stand with mouths agape
We’re stuck here for life, with all the jungles and the monsters!
At least we saved the Murple, although WE can’t escape
Be free little Murple! What’s that you gave us?
Teleporting hats from your golden fur, so strong?
BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER! And all because we saved him
So we promised to immortalize the Murple in a song...

(CHORUS, ending with is one you now know)

Best Christmas Gift Ever!
Ho Ho Ho!
Best Christmas Gift Ever!




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