Lies, Damned Lies, and Songs by A Halo Called Fred

by A Halo Called Fred

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1.
What are we reaching for? The golden circle What are we reaching for? The golden circle The golden circle of what? The golden circle of floating perfection
2.
You think my brain is cracked? ‘Cause my movements are tracked By the CIA. You know they’re gonna extract All my thoughts, and when they get ‘em, I’m gonna get whacked It's a goddamn shame, but it’s a goddamn fact Then the sand creatures come with their big rubber skins With that cork in their belly, gonna hold the sand in They kinda look human, ‘til you unplug the hole Sand pours out, skin deflates, then fills back up with your soul You think this country’s safe? One nation indivisible? Just wait until China goes and turns itself invisible! Don’t give me that shit! This is for real, you can’t contain it! Have you watched their credit rating rise? How else can you explain it? I’m speaking the truth man! Don’t you doubt me, don’t you scold me! I know it’s all true, ‘cause that Pignocerous told me! Don’t want his protection? Go ahead and be dead! Don’t come running to me when they repurpose your head! Got no comfort to loan ya No one gonna phone ya Nobody’s got the brass Except for Pignocerous of Spleebonia He's a pig man with a rhinocerASS He’s gonna kill all the bastards No one does it faster We’ll be forever in his debt We’ll let him call himself our lord and master ‘Cause he’ll save us from these VERY REAL THREATS
3.
I Haz a Sad 02:48
I haz a sad, the saddest I’se had The world is so bad it gave me a sad I ain’t gettin’ mad, come on down to my pad Can ya give me a glad to stave off my sad But don’t show me puppies They’ll just make me cry And don’t show me flowers They’ll wither and die And don’t show me beauty It just takes my breath And don’t show me life It all ends in death ‘Cause I haz a sad, the saddest I’se had The world is so bad it gave me a sad It’s driving me mad, all alone in my pad I’m fighting the glad, holdin’ on to my sad Just don’t try to fix it I doubt that can work And don’t try to change it I’ll act like a jerk I know you can’t take away my doubts and my fears But thank you for coming I just need you here ‘Cause I haz a sad, the saddest I’se had The world is so bad it gave me a sad I ain’t gettin’ mad, you’se down at my pad I can gaze at your glad and ride out my sad While I haz a sad Yes I haz a sad
4.
Do you seek adventure? Let adventure take you away Join me on a journey. Let the journey start today Will you start existing? Embracing the whole human race Start this adventure by putting something on your face
5.
My Monocle 03:32
This is my monocle It makes me look so sophisticated My monocle I’m so fashionably outdated Stare into your soul with the complete protection of a little hole filled with glass. Yeah I got class and so much sass, you see, I see you seeing me see you and so on. Don’t you see I see so clearly With My Monocle My Gentleman’s Single-Use Unlubricated Monocle This is my monocle It makes me feel so elegant My Monocle Makes one of my eyes relevant Like Mr Peanut, Colonel Klink, The Count, and Karl Marx, The Penguin parks his glassy circle on that eyeball, drinks his highball, lookin’ dapper. Got a flapper on each arm. I’ll do no harm, you see I see all. Let the chips fall where they must! Monocle or bust! My Monocle My Gentleman’s Single-Use Unlubricated Monocle What makes a teacher professorial? Monocle! What makes a colleague conspiratorial? Monocle! What’s makes a dashingly fine pictorial? Monocle! What fashion lives for time immemorial? Stare into your soul with the complete protection of a little hole filled with glass. Yeah I got class and so much sass, you see, I see you seeing me see you and so on. Don’t you see I see so clearly Just Like Mr Peanut, Colonel Klink, The Count, and Karl Marx, The Penguin parks his glassy circle on that eyeball, drinks his highball, lookin’ dapper. Got a flapper on each arm. I’ll do no harm, you see I see all. Let the chips fall where they must! Monocle or bust!
6.
That's an E That's an E Not that kind of party Not that kind of party Not that kind of party Not that kind of party
7.
There was a nice little picnic. Grill going. People layin’ on the lawn I saw you floatin’ by, tried to catch your eye, then you was gone But look out! I Caught you shootin’ that smile at me and lookin’ so fine! I shot my smile back at you, happy, ‘cause I know you’re mine And I could take you and grab you with my arms around you Make sweet, sweet love on the cool soft ground You and me, buck nekkid, doing things to astound The world with our passion and the crazy sounds of our love, earth shaking, earth shattering. BOOM! Explosions of force that could clear any room But outside all of nature is there, I don’t care let ‘em stare, we’re no place and everywhere But It’s not that kind of party No it’s not that kind of party It’s like takin’ a cat to a dog fight. It’s not that kind of party It’s like makin’ a left when it’s so right. It’s not that kind of party No it’s not that kind of party There was a big ole happening at the rock and roll show They was a rockin’ and they was a rollin’ and the joint was gonna blow But these thoughts flow into our heads with music and magic in the air That we can toss our inhibitions - let everybody turn and stare And our arms could lock as our bodies engage And make sweet, sweet love on the warm hard stage You and me, buck nekkid, doing things to enrage The world with our passion, start a war they wage On our love, earth shaking, earth shattering. BOOM! Explosions of force that could clear any room All around concert-goers are there, I don’t care let ‘em stare, we’re no place and everywhere But It’s not that kind of party No it’s not that kind of party It’s like growin’ some corn in a wheat patch. It’s not that kind of party It’s like causin’ an itch that you can’t scratch. It’s not that kind of party No it’s not that kind of party The courtroom was packed, It was the trial of the century CNN, MSNBC, and Fox News had it all on the TV There were lots of pundits pontificating and witnesses crying But If I said I didn’t want you then and there, you know I would be lying Bodies fly through the air, I don’t care where we land We’d make sweet, sweet love on the witness stand You and me, buck nekkid, doing things that are banned ‘Round the world, which our passion has at the command of our love, earth shaking, earth shattering. BOOM! Explosions of force that could clear any room Bailiffs drag us away by our hair, I don’t care let ‘em stare, we’re no place and everywhere But It’s not that kind of party No it’s not that kind of party It’s like hockin’ a loogie at the opera. It’s not that kind of party Or poppin’ pills with Deepak Chopra. It’s not that kind of party It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife. It’s not that kind of party It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife. It’s not that kind of party No It’s not that kind of party. It’s not that kind of party. No It’s not that kind of party. It’s not that kind of party. No It’s not that kind of party. It’s not that kind of party. It’s not that kind of party.
8.
I was feeling done in, couldn't win I'd only ever kissed before. (You mean she? Uh huh.) I thought there's no use getting into heavy petting It only leads to trouble and seat wetting... Now all I want to know is how to go I've tasted blood and I want more (More, more, more) I'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distance I've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance: Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfil me Creature of the night. Then if anything grows while you pose I'll oil you up and rub you down (Down, down, down) And that's just one small fraction of the main attraction You need a friendly hand and I need action... Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfil me Creature of the night. (Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfil me Creature of the night.) Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirty Thrill me chill me fulfil me Creature of the night. (Creature of the night x7) Creature of the night
9.
Do you seek adventure? YES! Let adventure take you away Join me on a journey. OKAY! Let the journey start today Will you start loving? SURE! The best adventure I’ve heard of HOW DO WE START? Simply Start this adventure by accepting truest love
10.
Sometimes the world is overwhelming and I want to disappear But, holy shit -- you love me. Sometimes everything seems meaningless and I don’t know why I’m here But, holy shit -- you love me. You are the soft place where I fall The one keeps me right on track And I doubt you’ll ever comprehend how much I love you back Sometimes I cry when I should laugh. Sometimes I mope when I should grin But holy shit -- you love me. Sometimes I can’t appreciate how fucking great my life has been But, holy shit -- you love me. You are the reason I go on You keep everything in scale You are the reason I know nothing that I do can ever fail (Full verse, whistled) Sometimes I get everything wrong, sometimes I think I really suck But holy shit -- you love me. Sometimes I look around and can’t believe I’m blessed with so much luck. ‘Cause holy shit -- you love me. Yeah, holy shit -- you love me. Holy shit -- you love me.
11.
Cthulhu! Cthulu! Cthulu! Cthulhu! He’s big, He’s scary He’s squishy, He’s scaly But if you say he’s not sexy, you’re a dunce his face fills 27 holes at once. Cthulhu! Cthulu! Cthulhu! Cthulu! He’s ugly! to behold! And he’s really, really, really old That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die (chorus) He lies asleep where that city slid He’ll rule again like he once did Now his body waits where the water hid That Cthulu’s head is a great big squid Cthulhu! Cthulu! Cthulhu! Cthulu! He’s worshiped! He’s feared! He’s got squishy dreadlocks for a beard! Dance around in your cult, in your head he’s beaming “In his house at R'lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming” (chorus) Cthulhu! Cthulu! Cthulhu! Cthulu! He’s filling your head with screams! He’s haunting all your dreams! Grab his head with an army of a million troops And make calamari the size of hula hoops (chorus)
12.
You wanna rock? I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it If you wanted games, I’d give you games, I’d say take this ball and spike it If you wanna ride up mountains, I’ll say take this hill and bike it But you wanna rock, I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it Ooh Wee! Gonna rock Good Golly! Crazy talk Now the rock’s in your head, gonna rock ‘til your dead Then rock some more with A Halo Called Fred You wanna groove to funky soul, so take my rock and like it You wanna burn the joint down, gonna take this match and strike it You want the loudest voice, I’m gonna scream and shout and mike it And you wanna rock, I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it You wanna live, you wanna love, so take my rock and like it You wanna give the world a shot so pick your path and hike it When fate keeps giving you the guff, gotta sit back and outpsych it But you wanna rock, I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it Ooh Wee! Gonna groove Boy Howdy! Play it smooth Now the rock’s in your soul, and you’re out of control ‘Cause A Halo Called Fred gots the Rock-n-Roll You wanna rock? I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it You wanna rock? I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it You wanna rock? I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it You wanna rock? I got your rock. You’ll take my rock and like it
13.
14.
I hate school I like drugs I have no job Safe sex sucks oh, ya Suck my hairciut oh, ya Suck my hairciut My clothes are ripped My car is junk Can I sleep on your floor? I’m still drunk oh, ya Suck my hairciut oh, ya Suck my hairciut (instrumental) 1 2 3 4! I hate school! I like drugs! I have no job! Safe sex sucks!
15.
1, 2, 3, 4... Number 9... I was in the middle of a rousing game of Pac-Man... Boingy boingy... La la la... Ralph... La la la... Leonard Bernstein... La la la linoleum... By flea driven Zamboni... And it hurts ow ow ow... My Sharona... Aliens are flying inside my head...
16.
17.
Let's just sing about gravy Gravy There's the line And this time, I didn't forget the gravy It makes its own sauce Great Gravy On my fries The ladle is in your mind On my fries In your mind I'll just tell ya, I love making gravy Gravy's awesome There's something so satisfying when you make a roux and then it thickens up that bubbly... oh... A Halo Called Gravy It's like alchemy, man You and your Alton Brown bow tie It is alchemy It's practical real world alchemy It's better living through chemistry I could go for a good bowl of gravy right now I could go for a good bowl of gravy right now I am a good bowl of gravy I could go for you right now Big bowl of gravy I want to consume you Brushwood Gravy is there to be consumed I want to dip you I want to dip my fries into you Everyone dip the gravy You know what'd be better to dip into gravy than fries though? What? Gravy Are you saying that gravy should be eaten with gravy dipped as gravy? That's right We could get a real thick gravy and you freeze it solid Or even like sometimes the way in congeals at room temperature And you cut out little dippable chunks And dip 'em in the nice hot gravy So that the old gravy melts into the new gravy And the new gravy sticks to the old gravy Ebony and Ivory White gravy and brown gravy Yeah, imagine that, a nice thick country white gravy dipped into a good oogy brown gravy with all those burnt... ooohhh... There's a lot of people who have imagined that over the years With biscuits Biscuits and gravy WIth some biscuits. Mmmmmmmm Sop it up with a biscuit So how about if you took gravy as your biscuit base And just put in enough flour just to thicken it enough to call it a biscuit and then dipped that in gravy? That'd be a Gravy Biscuit Dipped in Gravy
18.
When the plague wipes out humanity and there’s almost no one left Will you still be there beside me ‘til we draw our final breath? Will you take my hand in yours and slash each zombie that we see? And when we get back to our hideout, will your heart still belong to me? Will you gaze into my eyes like I’m the only one around When the post apocalyptic nightmare really gets us down? When the flesh of everyone we know all melts off of their bones And we’re hiding from the army of killer alien clones Will you hold me close each time those doomsday bombs give off a blast? Will you still be mine for all of time, however long that lasts? Will you gaze into my eyes like I’m the only one around When the post apocalyptic nightmare really gets us down? So let’s fight the flying monkeys, flee the evil poison gas As the world goes up in flames, and we can see it’s burning fast We’ll behead the mutant sewer people, crush each vampire bee By moonlight as the moon comes crashing down into the sea I will gaze into your eyes like you’re the only one around When the post-apocalyptic nightmare really gets us down
19.
Get it on, now! It’s all aces baby, you can have your cake and eat it too It’s all aces baby, you can gobble it up and then when you’re through Your cake is gone but your cake is there Let me lick that icing out your hair It’s all aces baby, All aces baby, All aces baby, baby, baby! It’s all aces baby, you can have a wash but not get wet It’s all aces baby, I don’t care how stinkin’ filthy you get Your body’s clean but you’re dry as a bone Let me dirty it up when I get home It’s all aces baby, All aces baby, All aces baby, baby, baby! Someone once told me that the grass is greener on the other farm Don’t know how much of that is true So I’ll sleep in the barn that keeps me warm Break it down Brushwood! Break it down Queenie! Break it down Tiny! Break it down Halo! It’s all aces baby All aces baby All aces baby, baby, baby! Someone once told me got to walk a mile in another’s shoes But my feet are tired, I’ll just lay down And you can tell me all about it while you ease my blues Bring it home now... It’s all aces baby, you can eat your fish without catchin’ it first It’s all aces baby, watch it jump in the boat when the damn gets burst That fish is out, now that fish is in Gonna gobble it up to absolve my sin It’s all aces baby, All aces baby, All aces baby, baby, baby! All aces baby, baby, baby! All aces baby, baby, baby!
20.
Do you seek adventure? YES! Let adventure take you away Join me on a journey. OKAY! Let the journey start today Will you start living? SURE! That means alive. As in not dead HOW DO WE START? Start this adventure by putting something on your head
21.
It’s the Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever The Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever It’ll start you out like that on the Best Christmas Ever It’ll take you where you want to go ‘Cause the Murple’s magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever It’s a super magic hat - Best Christmas Gift Ever But the story of how I got that hat is one nobody knows It all starts out on a cold and lonely Christmas With a psychic distress call from Dimension 7B From the planet Garinthium with the deadly crawling cacti And the nicest purple jungles that you ever did see The food is pretty good, but eat it before it eats you A fight with a peach one time ripped off my left arm I’m glad I was near the skin regenerating plant! It’s awesome that they have it, ‘cause it helps to heal the harm So we get this distress call, and get sucked through a portal Seven dragons have the Murple held hostage in the sky They wanna harvest his solid gold fur for all eternity Which is very sad and cruel -- So therefore they must die! But how to kill the dragons? We didn’t bring our swords! Gotta go and find the Pleebles, with their magical teeth They hate dragons. Their incisors like to grind them down to stone They shoot them from their mouths, so they get buried underneath It’s easy to convince them -- We extract our human love and they turn it into liquid, and they drink it with no fuss So loves saves the day - just don’t question how they mate there It’s really, really ugly but they say the same of us The epic battle’s starting - Bring it on PEW, PEW, PEW! flying teeth are everywhere! CHOP, CHOP, CHOP! And ROAR, that’s the dragon, and SLURP the liquid love And OW MY EYE! The Dragon got it! Oh lord, make it stop! (CHORUS, ending with is one hardly anybody knows) Damn dragons and their dangerous mind melting acid It’s only cured by berries that are way, way underground We can liquify and melt ourselves, I think that’s easier Sometimes you lose a foot but you can still be safe and sound ‘Cause I grabbed some extra feet from the foot tree. Got to feed Those foot munching demons by the berries where they stand LOOK OUT!!! INCOMING!!! Oooh no! I think they got me! it's all going dark! I see you hold out your hand But it won’t stay still! Now it swirls before my eyes And now the dragon eating octopus comes, but he’ll be trapped In the Pleeble tooth cross-fire! I can’t bear to watch! Good thing I’m losing consciousness-- My life force almost sapped... I can't tell my body parts apart anymore. I try to close my eye, I can still see through the hole where my eyelid forgot to uniquify itself Oh the lights, oh the lights, oh they’re swirling in my soul Now the octopus is taking out each dragon one by one With its poison mind darts. They psychically emit Waves to heal my broken body as each dragon is defeated But it ain’t over yet! OH NO! WE’VE BEEN HIT! Their fire makes me sing stupid ‘80s songs. Must fight it The only way we can, with ironic cover versions "Give me one moment in time..." OH NO! I can’t stop but you can help me out by singing “Like a Surgeon!” (CHORUS, ending with is one you’ll soon know) For our next secret weapon we sing some Blondie covers The dragons start crumbling, ‘cause Blondie never fails Then poetry! Shel Silverstein and Shakespeare flyin’ The Man from Nantucket makes them crumble into scales But the scales are so heavy, it’s crushing our portal There’s no way out! Here we stand with mouths agape We’re stuck here for life, with all the jungles and the monsters! At least we saved the Murple, although WE can’t escape Be free little Murple! What’s that you gave us? Teleporting hats from your golden fur, so strong? BEST CHRISTMAS GIFT EVER! And all because we saved him So we promised to immortalize the Murple in a song... (CHORUS, ending with is one you now know) Best Christmas Gift Ever! Ho Ho Ho! Best Christmas Gift Ever!
22.
Old Honey Badger was sad one morning ‘Til the magical ferret saved the day And zapped away every one of his troubles And made his pain go away This will not end well - This will not end well Honey Badger was filled with so much magic He climbed to the highest cliff to yell To tell the world the truth and all of the answers Did he have a story to tell! This will not end well - This will not end well But no one was there to hear his story But good old Honey Badger would not be deterred The cliff wasn’t high enough, but he could go higher ‘Cause the magic ferret’s wisdom had to be heard So he gathered the garbage from all the forest Made a teetering pile up to the sky He stood so proud and tall and majestic He wobbled up there so high This will not end well - This will not end well But none of the creatures of the forest could hear him So he got their attention by punching their moms And he built a megaphone from a fork in a toaster And powered it with nuclear bombs This will not end well - This will not end well And just to make sure everybody could hear him He smoked some meth and carved a bigger mouth on his face Mustered up courage by selling his soul to Satan Them he shouted his message all over the place All the creatures heard the message and all were happy Honey Badger's joy was second to none ‘Til Magic ferret said to Honey Badger, "I'm leaving. My work is done" This will not end well - This will not end well This will not end well - This will not end well This will not end well - This will not end...
23.
In the long dark teatime of the soul I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait Through an immortal lifetime without parole In the years between the endless souls who come And endless souls who go back where they’re from And nothing can fill that empty feeling Not even a really good cup of darjeeling So I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait And I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait In the long dark teatime of the soul In the long dark teatime of the soul I remember that I once remembered that I lost your memory down the old memory hole You were everything once and you’re everything still At least I think you were. I’ll think back until I break through the shell put there year by year Through eternal numbness, ‘til a single tear can remind me that I once remembered a time Where I remembered a time where I remembered a time Before the long dark teatime of the soul In the long dark teatime of the soul I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait For something time once stole And I think you were here, before my long dark tea time Forever is forever and there’s so much free time I remember some happiness, our love was rife. Time Caught up tho, it only was a single lifetime So I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait And I wait and I wait and I wait and I wait In the long dark teatime of the soul In the long dark teatime of the soul In the long dark teatime of the soul In the long dark teatime of the soul
24.
Do you seek adventure? Now that adventure took you away We took a journey. And that journey started today Wanna do it all over? To be sure you’ll remember when Start this adventure by listening to this album again

about

We are Geverend, Brushwood, Tiny, Queenie

We love you all

------------------
What is truth?

Is Science true? Nothing approaches the truth more! As the surface of our knowledge approaches the contours of the beautiful truth below, the chasm of the unknown that lies in between gets smaller and smaller. Yet it remains infinite—the unknowable mind of God.

Is God true? God is all-knowing, all-loving, and all-powerful. It follows that He would allow us the luxury of doubting His existence—loving the doubts He knows His own power created.

Is Love true? Love is as true as George Washington’s cherry tree, Santa’s lap, and a unicorn’s rainbow farts. Love is the truest, most tangible thing our non-existent minds could possibly scrape from the non-existent fabric of a self-negating God’s unknowable universe.

Is anything true? Fuck it! Hop on top of this house of cards we call reality, and enjoy surfing down the wreckage! It crumbles with exuberant joy upon itself revealing the only three verifiable truths that remain: Lies, Damned Lies, and Songs by A Halo Called Fred.

—Melvin Toast, May 1, 2016

credits

released May 1, 2016

Songs written and performed by A Halo Called Fred
except “Touch-a Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me” by Richard O’Brien, copyright Wixen Music Publishing, Obo Druidcrest Music

Engineered by Anthony Kroposky, Fish on Fire Recordings
Mixed by Anthony Kroposky and Carmen Verderosa at Woodrock Studios
Mastered by Carmen Verderosa

Sound collages grown in Geverend’s Mad Science Lab

Design, graphics, and effects by Brushwood
Photography by Belle Hsu
Track 5 inspired by singleusemonocles.com

Special vocal appearance by Jim Bob on tracks 6 and 7
Special non-appearance by Geverend's invisible friend Chester

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A Halo Called Fred New Brunswick, New Jersey

The finest guitar, bass, violin, and Tupperware band in all of time and space, geek-rock legends for over 25 years.

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