Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

by A Halo Called Fred

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It was (just over) 20 years ago today that the greatest album ever recorded (according to Sir Paul McCartney) was released. This special Anniversary Edition includes the 1996 cassette tracks restored to their original flawless sequence, with nearly nothing missing. An A side of Pyrate Pop mostly produced by Claude Coleman Jr of Ween, plus a B side of Tupperware-enhanced low-fi folk punk by the greatest three-man/one-invisible friend combo of the 90s.


There will never be another Disneyland.

So went the words of America’s second favorite cryogenically frozen Nazi. Forty years and three Disneylands later, it seems the holy vision of these prophetic words is ever crumbling, as a once proud empire of propaganda cowers behind a mask of political correctness, swims in the blood of dead puppeteers, and tosses away a man’s vision for an ideal future in exchange for product endorsement.

But that man is back to avenge himself from beyond the grave. For in your hands you now hold the first Rock and Roll album featuring vocals by Walt himself. It appears that after A Hard Day’s Night in the studio, the Halo realized that their tune I Wanna Be Your Nose had only ­utilized seven of the eight tracks available to it, and proceeded to add an eighth track which may well have been a secretly taped ­conversation between Walt Disney and J. Edgar Hoover. Disney’s spirited Rock and Roll stylings dominate the song, and permeate the mood of the entire album. Although this mysterious eighth track never made it into the final mix, critics everywhere are sure to agree that the album is Disney’s greatest creative achievement to date.

In another forty years, Disneylands will be a dime a dozen. But of this, there will be no doubt in anyone’s mind:

There will never be another Sgt. Pepper.

Melvin Toast, January 1996


released January 1, 1996

Players: Geverend (and his invisible friend Chester), Brushwood, Jim Bob, plus Gerrymiah T. Bullfrog on tracks 1-7, which was produced by Claude Coleman Jr.

The other tracks proudly produced by no one, except track 10 by Jeremy Scott, and track 14 by Bill Hahn and Sean Carolan.


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A Halo Called Fred New Brunswick, New Jersey

The finest guitar, bass, violin, and Tupperware band in all of time and space, geek-rock legends for over 25 years.

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Track Name: Please Stop Kicking My Head
Please stop kicking my head!
I'm sure you don't realize that it hurts, but it's my head and you keep kicking it, and that's the crazy way my body works.
I'm sure you can't comprehend my pain, but I'm beginning to lose consciousness from the hemorrhaging inside my brain.
Though I fear permanent injury, I feel that I must compliment the skill you've mastered causing pain upon my cranium, you bastard.
Yesterday was a daydream half as good as present time but for the fact that you keep kicking me and my head keeps on exuding slime.
Things are going quite well.
The sun is blue.
The clouds exonerate the inconsistent metaphor that shakes the ground I'm standing on.
Arrange your thoughts again my friend.
Think it through.
Reconsider this:
My brain's been hit.
Red droplets spew.
Stop ruining my day, you shit head.
At the risk of sounding obdurate, you're doing such a super job.
I think I'd rather have a truck race on my head instead, you fuck face.
You don't cut it out, I'll soon be dead to rights damn certain that you suck.
'Cause it's my head.

Track Name: Mexican Love Song or Love Song For (insert your name here)
If you'd be my balance I would be your check
If you'd be my necklace I would be your neck
If you'd be my driver I would be your van
and if you'd be my woman I would be your man
If you'd be my Larry I would be your Moe
If you'd be Tom Servo I would be your Crow
If you'd be my Ollie I would be your Stan
and if you'd be my woman I would be your man

If you'd be my head then I would be your brain
Be my hallucination and I'll be insane
If you'd be my conspirator I'll be your plan
and if you'd be my woman I would be your man
If you'd be my pride then I would be your joy
If you'd be my priest I'll be your alter boy
If you'd be my tuna I would be your can
and if you'd be my woman I would be your man
If you'd be my junkie I would be your crack
Be Saddam Hussein and I will be Iraq
Be the Ayatollah and I'll be Iran
and if you'd be my woman then I would be your man

If you'll be my A then I will be your Z
And if you say you love me I'll just be me
cause you know I'd do most anything I can
to make you
Be my woman and I'll be your man
Track Name: Dr. Dog
Hey you! Yes you! The one lying face down in the gutter! Have life's blahs got ya blue? Do you feel like your like is an endless succession of depression caused by self destructive behavior caused by depression? Well, you need medical attention! And Quick! And I've got just the medical mammal who can do it! It's not Dr. Duckbill Platypus! Nothing Exotic like that! He's not even Dr. Cat! He's just one peppy pup who's ready to party!

I was feeling down and funky, until I met this doggie. His tail was long and shaggy. His tongue was long and soggy. He rocked around and partied hard. That puppy went the distance. In just about ten minutes time, my miserable existence got rocked away to kingdom come from whence this wretched hole. And to this leash my sneaker wed. That puppy saved my soul.

Doesn't matter how you feel. You'll believe this hound can heal. Makes no difference what will be. This hound dog will make you see.

Dr. Dog. Oh yeah.

He's not a real doctor. He's not a real dog. He's not a real state of mind. He's not a real metaphysical manifestation. He's not a real figment of your imagination.

Track Name: I Wanna Be Your Nose
I wanna:
Get into your business
Lead you straight to fruit loops
Suck down lots of snuff
Suck down pretty flowers
Contain my elation for my nasal fixation
Be your dog
Be sedated
Carve out your eyes with a red hot butter knife
Be your nose

I will not be under:
..Standing of the situation being your nose

Just like Christ had his apostles, I want more than just one nostril

I will be your nose

Track Name: Blymy The Pyrate
Blimey! I'm a Pirate! And I've got a patch on my eye!

I'm the evil pirate! I want that Blymy Dead! Gonna make him walk the plank and have the sharks bite off his @#$! head! Kill that damn Blymy!

I cooked his supper jolly out of boiled cats and schnauzers. No need to spend our bounty on a tin of SPAM from Krausers. So like Inspector Gadget, Blymy turns to me and says: "Wowsers! I'd rather be having a splendid time in Trevor the Wanker's trousers!"


BROK! He's a Pirate! And he's got a patch on his eye!

Track Name: Pretty Flower
Pretty flower...

Please let me touch you. I will not pluck you down. Please let me sniff you. I will not suck you down. You should trust me pretty flower. I won't take you in the shower. If I took you in the shower you would drown.

I'm not like the cattle waiting to chew their cud. If you were human, I would not drink your blood. You should trust me pretty flower. Let me watch you for an hour. Just an hour as you rise up from the mud.

I know you think that I detest you, but your tasty petals satisfy my soul. And if I ate you, I wouldn't digest you. I need to keep your beauty whole.

Don't ever leave me. You're so much more than flesh and bone. If you could whither, my heart would turn to stone. You should trust me pretty flower. Never let your sweetness sour. Please don't make me have to leave you alone.

Oh, pretty flower....

Track Name: Obsequious
Speck of dust in my eye, don't go and make me cry.
When you float in and out of my eyeball sack, to your dust bowl families, I wish that you'd go back.

Piece of wood in my hand won't let me do handstands.
Once you were a proud part of a giant redwood tree, and you ran so far from home just to be a part of me.

You're so obsequious.

Microorganisms are funny when they're living in my tummy. Every thingy in the world wants to do every thing I do. If they had minds of their own, they could be some great attorneys. A speck of dust, piece of wood, and a microorganism?

You're still obsequious. Don't attach yourself to me.

Track Name: The Essence Of Comedy
The Pain Is Nice And So Am I The One
Severely Hurt Could Die His Hair Looks Very
Different Today But He's Still The Same
The Ladder Wasn't Twice As Tall He Broke
The Bones Which Broke His Fall They Put Him Back
Together In A Most Peculiar Way
The Grill Was Hot And So's Your Mom Apol
Ogizing Yet For Some Enlightened Fel
Low's Burning Off His Face But He's OK
The Skateboard Wasn't Twice As Quick The Road
Was Just A Little Slick The Doctor's Bill
Was Higher Than The Flames And He's OK
The Gun Was Loud And Also Hurt My Feel
Ings 'Cause I'm Not Alert Enough To Warn
The People In The Way, But I'm OK
The Bullet Nearly Missed His Head It Did
N't Make Him Twice As Dead They Say That
He May Speak Again But They Can't Really Say

And It Could Have Killed Him, But It Didn't So It's Funny.

Track Name: Dead Guy
You can eat my brain and paint my skull, but in conversation I'll be deadly dull, 'cause I'm a dead guy. You can scrape off the road and put me on a plate, or you're gonna have to cancel our dinner date, 'cause I'm a dead guy.

So break out the Ouija board and let me impress you. Now that I'm dead I can truly possess you. But I don't have a mind. I can't mentally undress you. With the rigor mortis gone I've loosened up some, and if I seem a bit unfeeling, it's cause I'm totally numb.

You can burn me up or let me rot, and I'll just terrorize a farmhouse 'til my head gets shot, 'cause I'm a dead guy.

Oh woe is me and I am woe
The blackness of my soul permeates the essence of my former being
I would never lie to you
The moon is slightly more than slightly sequitur
And I would gladly lick the gods themselves that they provide our supper

So now I'll just reincarnate 'til I'm one with Brahma, and I'll brag to my friends that I've achieved nirvana and my soul'll go to Heaven or to Hell where I don't wanna go. My heart may have stopped and my flesh may be decaying, but who know what'll happen if we keep on praying.

You can wrap me up and bandages and stick me in a tomb, and you can tell my little sister she can have my room. You can dress me up in drag and shackle me in lead, but you could even do that if I wasn't dead. Put some money in my mouth and float me down the river, and tell all my relatives to start sittin' shiva. I'm a dead guy.

Track Name: Bernie’s Chart
I saw Bernie's Chart. It changed my life.

My life is perfect now.

The end.

Track Name: Heinously Inconsiderate (acapella)
The thing that you love most is your fifty silver roaches. When you were out of oil, you put them in my hair for awhile. But I made you a bad hostess when I walked outside in the rain to get your Sunday papers, and ruined all of your fun. That's the most heinously inconsiderate thing I've ever done.

Fifty crystal trees were planted outside my door. I went outside for my constitution and now my head is sore from your beautiful trees. I heard your trees then scream. There were standing not a one. That's the most heinously inconsiderate thing I've ever done.

We had a wonderful party with hairy green gnomes and elves who drooled and danced and sang and sang and gave me a perm on my legs. Wasn't it wonderful? Wonderful! Neanderthal! Anbesol!

So I stayed in a corner and played with special friends invisible and ageless, who ate their special things. And the gnomes and the elves all died in their sleep in a heap. How unneat! There were standing not a one. That's the most heinously inconsiderate thing they've ever done.

Track Name: Ralphquest
Verse: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Chorus: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Repeat Chorus / Ralph: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat chorus / Repeat verse

Repeat Verse

Verse: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Chorus: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Repeat Chorus / Ralph: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat chorus / Repeat verse

Repeat Chorus:

Verse: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Chorus: verse verse chorus verse chorus Ralph chorus verse / Repeat Verse / Repeat Chorus / Ralph: verse verse chorus verse chorus chorus verse / Repeat chorus / Repeat verse

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